Survival Mode vs. Just Being

I will forever love and respect the woman who showed me how to be in survival mode. And I will always love and respect the woman who taught me how to just live and be.

I respect someone who grinds for the things they have in life, but there has to be a balance, and that's something I didn't notice before.

When we continue to operate in survival mode when it's no longer needed, we risk staying in that masculine energy for too long and overlooking the daily joys of life. Someone may say they enjoy working every day to provide for their family and themselves. But when you don't take time to just be, you start to feel like you're drowning or closed in, and you can't understand why you feel so compressed.

I'm speaking to myself when I say this. I love work, and I love being of service to others, but doing that every day created too much pressure on me mentally and physically. Without even realizing it, that pressure affected how I showed up for my partner and my friends.

This is something I've seen in my family growing up, and I knew I didn't want my future family to always receive that survival-mode, masculine energy from me.

When I recently started operating from a place of simply being and living, instead of constantly surviving to pay the bills, I felt lighter. I felt like I could finally swim to shore instead of drowning.

I didn't even realize I was living this way. My ex-girlfriend would always tell me she wished I were more feminine. Even though I looked my prettiest, dressed my prettiest, and tried to smell my best, that wasn't what she meant. I took it personally because I didn't understand. I didn't realize that being feminine, at least to me, isn't about how you look on the outside.

The most recent person I dated really helped me realize what it means, for me, to be feminine and to operate from a place of simply being. We both worked a lot, but she always knew how to balance it. She knew how to calm my nervous system. That sense of calm helped me realize that it's safe to just be. Sometimes, you don't have to always be on the go.

At first, it felt weird to simply exist because I was so used to working, moving, and constantly doing something.

Recently, God forced me to just be.

I was laid off from my job after graduating from nursing school. My lady friend and I stopped dating. I was unemployed for three months, and unemployment didn't even cover my rent.

I was forced to slow down and trust Him.

I couldn't work the way I was used to. I couldn't rely on her to help calm my nervous system anymore. But I did have a small voice in the back of my mind guiding me along the way.

This season taught me how to simply be and operate from a softer, more feminine space. I never realized this was what I was missing.

I'm slower to anger. I don't automatically assume the worst when things happen. I'm more mindful of the things I say and do. I now have an amazing job that allows me to work when I want, and I can choose whether I want to be around people or spend time alone.

Learning to operate from a place of want instead of need also helped me find balance between survival mode and simply being.

My mom taught me how to survive.

My previous lady friend taught me how to just be.

And for that, I will always love and respect them both.