God WHY

I asked God about 4 weeks ago why he had placed me in situations just for them to feel like unanswered prayers. Jobless, financial setback, felt like my love life was not progressing, yaddah yaddah yaddah.

And let me tell you how embarrassed I am that 4 weeks ago I questioned God. When I asked him, he didn't answer on the first day. I had to seek the answer each day with stillness, silence, and prayer to the source. I know myself, and once I can't understand something, I will do anything in my brain power to try to figure out the why, even if it doesn't have anything to do with me.

4 weeks later, I have realized that God basically stripped every distraction from me so I could focus. I feel like he said, at the rate you were going mentally, you were about to blow everything you had previously prayed for because you didn't realize you were already living in it. Just a few things I prayed for:

• I prayed to finish nursing school - I did that
• I prayed for all my bills to be paid - they were
• I prayed to have a wife - we met and we knew
• I prayed to mend my relationship with my mom - he was working on that, I just had to buss a move
• I prayed for peace - He handed it right to me & I was let go from my job

All these things he had already given me, and I was too distracted about things that don't matter (money, jobs, letting people down, being perfect, having nice clothes, etc.). It's like I started missing the plot, and that's when he was like, girl give them this stuff before you mess it up.

In him taking these things from me, I have had so much time to sit with him and myself and think and reflect and try to learn something from all this. For once in my life, I didn't try to play the victim role; I wanted to break certain cycles.

I realized he took them so I could get my mind right and remember the purpose in life, so when he returns everything, I will remember how to handle them and know that it was him who sent them back.

I had an amazing woman in my life, and I got so distracted with trying to be the best for her that I wasn't even being the best for me. I saw her value, and I didn't even see my own value. I was so caught up in trying to get the first job I applied to so I could hurry and make money, instead of trying to search for a job opportunity that would fit my life and the goals I have for myself.

The plot I was missing was me. I was losing my own battle with myself. I am now at peace with myself, I love myself, I see my value and my potential. I may not know the future, but I know for sure where I don't want to go back to mentally or physically, so that will drive me every day.

And when God places the right job and my amazing wife back into my life, oh ima cut up!!!!