Calm Nervous System

I received a message yesterday from my favorite person stating that she wanted to be very clear that we are no longer dating and that she wants to move forward with dating other people. She also said she appreciates me showing up during a difficult time for her, yadda yadda yadda.

For context on my character, I do things out of the kindness of my heart, not to gain anything from anyone. I will not buy my way into love, I've done that before in past relationships. No ma'am. I love me enough for the both of us, don't worry, lol.

But anyway...a couple days prior to this message, I had received a message that I processed as: “You want things that I can't provide right now, and I can't explain where I am mentally.” So for a brief second, I was trying to understand how we jumped from "I'm not mentally well” to “I want to date other people and not you.”

I know I've learned from the past to never question something someone clearly wants to do. It's not for me to understand.

I felt regulated while reading the message. My heart did jump—for one second, literally one second. Which is new for me, because usually I would spiral out of control knowing that someone I love very much is basically telling me they don't want to be with me.

Instead, I read it as: this doesn't sound like her usual self. It sounded like an HR email, unrecognizable to the person I know her to be. So I thought either:

• She really wants me to back off and leave her alone while she figures herself out, so she said something she knew would make me step away,

      or

• She's actually serious about dating other people.

May I add... if not me, then who?

I know exactly what I bring to the table—and what I require others to bring, which for the most part is free. Maybe she knows that and doesn't have the capacity to show up at that level right now. I respect that.

Instead of thinking negatively, like something was wrong with me, I thought something abnormal must be going on with her. I did cry two or three times briefly throughout the day because it does hurt when someone you see as your wife basically tells you to back off, it's not safe here, and this isn't what you want.

But I'm proud of myself because I didn't stay there, sad and confused.

I will say, though, I kept thinking about the text randomly throughout the day. When it came up, I allowed myself to sit with it, but only briefly. I know I've been on this self-awareness journey, trying to be disciplined, be still, and allow God to work in all things for me.

I've noticed what I believe to be the devil trying to affect things and people around me, because he realizes he can't control my mind or the negative perspectives I choose not to believe.

I'm glad I'm stronger and wiser now—not folding when:

• The person I call my amazing wife closes the door in my face,
• The jobs I thought were my dream jobs say no,
• Receiving a traffic ticket because I didn't turn in a "turn only" lane in time,
  

        or

• Waiting to hear back about a job opportunity 

There are so many small things that, if I let them steal my joy, will eventually cost me my peace of mind.

And right now, I have peace—even in the middle of chaos.

If I wanted to be negative, I could go down the list of things that could potentially break me. For transparency, let's do it for a second:

• Overdraft bank account emails
• Rent costing more than my unemployment check
• Being unemployed for 2 months and counting
• My love life seeming like it's falling apart
• Having to DoorDash to make extra money
• Stretching food and money in this season
• Student loan repayments starting soon
• Savings account... non-existent
• Yadda yadda yadda

But instead, I'm choosing to focus on the positive:

• I have friends who randomly call me—or I call them—and we speak life into each other
• I have credit cards I paid down before, so I can use them for essentials right now without feeling bad
• I've found a healthy balance with eating
• I'm losing weight toward my dream body
• I'm running 5 miles most days without stopping and working toward my first 5K
• My bills are paid
• My credit score is going up
• I'm getting interviews from places I forgot I even applied to
• My car has gas, so I can get from point A to point B
• Creating products for my business and publishing them

There is so much positive in the middle of this chaos that one wrong thought could trap me in a negative loop.

For once, I'm fighting for my own sanity, my own mental, my own well-being—and I'm still able to show up for others without neglecting myself.

I read something that said people cast stones at Jesus, and it still didn't stop Him from loving them and forgiving them. That principle applies heavily to my life right now.

Even though my favorite person basically told me to back off, I still love her. I still speak positivity over her. I still pray for her strength. I would still pick up the phone for her.

Let's shift it from her so it doesn't sound obsessive, I need the message to really be received.

Take my mom, for example. We didn't always have a good relationship because of things that happened in the past. But I've learned to still love her. I still listen to her corny jokes. I still bless her with my presence, regardless of the "stones" she may have thrown at me before.

How can we expect God to forgive us and bless us if we can't forgive others and bless them anyway?

Sometimes people aren't bad people. It's their situations, circumstances, or environment that lead them to make certain choices. If they chose differently, they could be different. But that's on them, not me.

I've realized that I have to be a good person no matter what. That's just how I'm built. It's not on me—it's in me.

If you judge a book by its cover, you'll miss the message inside. Right now, my favorite person isn't choosing to see that—and that's okay. I'm still choosing to be a good person regardless of the person, situation, or circumstance.

I don't need to understand someone to be good to them.

I'm trying to embody unconditional love.

If God loves us unconditionally, and we're made in His image, then why do we love with conditions? That doesn't make sense to me.

If the true meaning of life is to love, be of service, and create—why do we only love in certain areas or toward certain people?

I vow to always lead with love. To handle people with love. To love what I do and be of service to others.

People may need me for a season or multiple seasons. I don't know, but I do know that God will bring me my amazing wife.

You know how I know? Because I am amazing, and I pray to receive my amazing wife every day.

I'm choosing to walk by faith, not by sight. Anddd I'm not gonna lie, sight looks a little chaotic right now. Makes me want to close my eyes, lol.

But I won't be distracted by the next shiny thing, the next person with money or power. I could care less because I already have those things.

I know my wife will be my favorite person. I know she already has the traits God placed in her. He's just getting ready to water them, while continuing to mold me to be an amazing wife myself.